Volte F-arse

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Look who is making all of the promises- feels good doesn’t it…

Which way is up? Which way is down? who knows and who cares while we are on the worlds greatest fairground ride… UK politics!

In the blue corner, big fat f**k liar liar pants on fire Johnson (yes that is his real name), promising Brexit on October 31, then changing his mind.

In the definitely not blue, sort of blue but a bit turquoisey corner, braying snowflake no no no Nigel Farage (yes that’s his real name), promising brexit, not getting elected to anything other than the institution he is so desperate to leave and f**king off his own members by screwing them of £100.

Oh and lets not forget the red corner where lizard face, I don’t know what I stand for Jeremy ‘some of my best mates are jews’ Corbyn, who doesn’t know how to add up the cost of things and definitely maybe wants to remain… a leaver. Wait what?

Watch as these white, middle aged w**k weasels make promises they have no intention of keeping like “we are going to offer all uk citizens free space ships, free Nespresso, and a lifetime subscription to what brassiere magazine” only to back peddle a few days later and instead promise to “provide all doctors with floating plastic yellow ducks”.

Buckle up as Bodge Job-son decides not to have the election after all and agrees with the EU to remain while increasing our payments and doubling immigration. God what a ride!

Its all fun in the heady world of volte f**king farce.

Theresa requests extension on maths homework but won’t say why

For reasons she won’t share, Theresa has told staff at the local comp she currently attends, (though is shortly to move to a ‘Free School which her parents are setting up’), that the maths paper due by the summer is unlikely to be ready until Continue reading “Theresa requests extension on maths homework but won’t say why”

TSB admits relying on “a wing and a prayer” was probably to blame

As the layers of egg build up on the senior executives faces, TSB have now accepted that hope alone was never going to result in happy customers.

With many of the executives signing off that they were Continue reading “TSB admits relying on “a wing and a prayer” was probably to blame”

Donald Trump uninvites Miss America contestants due to ‘unconstitutional censorship’

Following the news that from now on there will be no swimsuit or evening gown sections  the president has uninvited the contestants “This is the worst kind of censorship. I insist that they stand in their bikinis with hands on their Continue reading “Donald Trump uninvites Miss America contestants due to ‘unconstitutional censorship’”

Starbucks boss gives up trying to make a decent cup-a-joe after 36 years

“Pfleugh!” Another person recoils and hangs their tongue out in an attempt to cleanse it. They have just taken a sip from a coffee cup and the jolt of bitter, burning rubber like taste was enough to set a tight jaw and keep one eye half closed for the rest of the day. “It’s like drinking your way through a f**king snowman poo!” Continue reading “Starbucks boss gives up trying to make a decent cup-a-joe after 36 years”

Grayling’s father is packing away the train set until he can learn to play properly

Last night, Chris Grayling’s father stormed into his bedroom and began packing way both tracks and trains. “Its not fair! It wasn’t me! There were circumstances beyond my control!” Continue reading “Grayling’s father is packing away the train set until he can learn to play properly”