Barclays Bank to merge with Shop Direct in order to pay Bond a dividend

In a shocking turn of events that has the city reeling, James Bond has demanded that he be paid £25m in dividends “or else”. It has been well reported that Barclays has been looking for a suitable suitor, and James has referred them to a number of Saville Row tailors already. However, given their recent shambolic performance working with the Tailor of Panama, Barclays are now looking at the online retailer instead with one spokesman saying “All that bespoke nonsense is just flannel, and that sort of thing leads to issues like the ‘Panama Papers’. When it comes down to it, we don’t care what it is that we get, we just need to get it and fast – Bond isn’t f**king about anymore.”

“Shop Direct is a win win for us – it allows us to issue pay day loans without even looking like we are doing it. we are going to cream it in from the ‘mass affected’ segment of the UK population. You know the ones; they break their gruelling schedule of taking selfies for a brief browse online looking for the next piece-of-sh*t, must-have

top to buy on 4,000% finance. We are going to pay Bond his dividend in no time!”

Bond was unavailable for comment as he was “up all night shagging” and has a “hell of a hang over.”