School girl goes out to buy bread and comes home with a national DIY franchise

Jane Cambreen, a schoolgirl from Kent was sent up the shops by stressed out, single mum Sheena. “She’s just turned 6, so she’s got to pull her own weight now.” explains Sheena, “I just cannot be doing everything anymore.”

“I was really concentrating on not getting abduc-, on not getting kid stolen, when a man jumped out in front of me, all sweaty and using that voice which grown ups use when trying to convince children to do something.” continued Jane. “He said I could have all of Homebase for a fiver. I showed him that I only had one pound and after a moments of scratching his chin he grabbed the coin, shoved these important looking papers into my hand and ran. I think he was crying.”

Nigel Showburn, an accountant for Homebase’s owners, said it was “all legit. I can’t imagine that Jane can f**k it up any more than it is already. I’ve seen some of her drawings so I’m confident she can improve the ranges on offer.”

Sheena said she is secretly over the moon as she now has a venue for all future birthday parties. “It’s a heck of a lot cheaper than hiring Big Play Fun Sugar Zone, the soft play place which is next to the B&Q on the North Cliff Business Estate.”