No one is allowed to talk to anyone else anymore as Europe sends us all to Coventry

The hype has been extraordinary. One of the longest and widely popularised sponsored silences in the history of mankind kicked off at midnight last night.

Know as GDPR, or the Great Deletion of People’s Records, people will no longer be able to talk to one another except in person. “And who wants to do that?!?” Asked Tim Rutherford from Southend.

“It’s brilliant”, he continued, “the silence is deafening. I was actually asking my wife what we used to do before we spent the evenings ignoring emails from businesses we only made 1 purchase from 8 years ago.”

Dave Willerby, marketing director for Skumburgh Direct said “it’s a complete f**king nightmare. For years I’ve been telling the Board how amazingly big and engaged our customer base is, and yet in the last 24hours we have had 98% of our list opt out or unsubscribe. It’s all because we actually had to tell them they were on the chuffing thing at all. Honestly, this was a perfectly good racket, no one was getting hurt and then boom, GDP f**cking R comes and tips the whole p*ssing punch bowl over. Thank Europe. Tw*ts.”