FCA sends men with baseball bats to get banks to coff up

Following 2 years of investigations into how to deal with the underhand tactics deployed by high street banks issuing loans with outrageous interest rates, the regulator has chosen a classic “if you can’t beat them, join them” approach.

With raids in the early ours of the morning, teams of men in balaclavas, piled out of white vans across the city, kicking in the doors of branches and head offices and issuing very real threats such as “writing a strongly worded letter to the board, to explain why their overdraft charges appear unfair” and “speaking to BBC Radio 4’s Today programme about how it really hurts the vulnerable and worse off”.

A spokes person for Ingots & Smythe bank on Threadneedle Street said “We are taking this very seriously indeed, and as a board we will consider understanding what all of the fuss is about – in due course.” adding “This isn’t the first time the question has been raised, but what you have to realise is that without charging these high fees, I fear we won’t be able to feed our housekeeper, the one who looks after the 3rd home in Italy.”

The FCA are unavailable to comment until this afternoon as they are all busy rounding up loved ones of senior bankers in an attempt to coerce a response… by asking them nicely if they wouldn’t mind awfully mentioning it to their banker fathers.

Pay day lenders are making it clear to the public that they are “here to help” and that they can offer amazing rates of no more than 15,000% to anyone wishing to switch.

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