Ask Jules: I faked my own death and now my family wants to kill me

Dave Willerby writes:

Dear Jules, I recently faked my own death as a means of getting out of some pretty hairy sh*t with the local heavies. I had borrowed hedge cutters and a step ladder, and I haven’t returned them yet. They were stolen shortly after I had used them, and since then I have been avoiding his calls and hiding in the kitchen behind the work surfaces when he comes to the house. Sometimes he just comes and stands at the end of the front path staring at the door for hours. There are only so many times you can rearrange your dentist appointment because your hiding next to the all-in-one washing machine. To complicate matters further, I found that the items hadn’t been stolen after all, I had just stacked more useless cr*p in front of them in the garage so I couldn’t see them.

Anyway, obviously I had to fake my own death to avoid dealing with the situation. Looking back, I probably should have chosen a better way to fake things. A fake suicide in the woods with the help of Terry, my mate who is a Community Support Officer (to help with faking death certificates etc.), wasn’t the cleverest. Not only did I not get away with faking my death – turns out that CSOs can’t do sh*t to help fake a death – I am facing charges of perverting the course of justice, I am uninsurable and I now have a family who think I wanted to kill myself. They f**king hate me. Everywhere I go they leave messages like “Die you tw*ting Loser!”. It’s got to the point where I am convinced that they want to kill me. What should I do? Kill myself?

Dear Dave, my you have got yourself into a pickle haven’t you. As you know I am not an advocate of violence in any form, nor do I like conflict. It would appear that you are getting it from all sides and I know how that can feel. I find that there is only one option in this situation.

Go and talk it out with the heavy, and your family. No-one is that callous and lacking in empathy. It sounds like there was a big misunderstanding and you were dong your best. Once you have talked it through and hugged it out, you can go on as if nothing happened. There won’t be any lingering malice or hatred at all.

let us know how you get on!