Europe assesses economic policy as everyone’s credits cards are declined

Over half of the population of Europe has come to the crushing realisation that living a “champagne lifestyle on beer money” doesn’t actually work as their cards were all repeatedly declined yesterday. “It was the biggest we’ve seen” said Visa, who were worst affected, “they just don’t have sufficient funds.”

“I knew the day would come, I just didn’t know when exactly.” said Sheena Cambreen, a single mother of 4. It was so embarrassing, the queue was really long and the person in front of me got declined and made some pathetic comment like “I don’t know what’s happening, I know I put some into that account just yesterday.” I just rolled my eyes and smiled one of those “F**K you” patronising smiles. The cashier then put my shopping through the till and when the machine gave that red buzzer sound I found myself clutching my neck and saying “I don’t know whats happened, I am sure that there was loads in there. Can you run it again? please? On the eighth attempt and having tried my coffee shop loyalty stamps, I had to dig deep, tell everyone near me that this was an outrage and storm off declaring that I would find a proper shop.”

Not everyone was having a bad day however.

“It was totally f**king amazing. For years my mates have been calling me a total prick for carrying around big rolls of cash but today… today was glorious. While a wandered through discarded shopping trolleys and cars left unfuelled like it was the f**king walking dead or something; I was the man. People were coming up to me, begging me to help. Not laughing now are you? I thought.” said Tim Rutherford, a junior banker from chiswick.

“Tim’s a right t*wat.” Explains Dave, Tim’s mate. “He goes around flashing this role of cash in peoples faces, teasing them with the half possibility he will help before flicking them the Vs. People were literally crying and he just laughed and walked off. It’s no wonder he got mugged and all the cash stolen. Serves the sh*t-weasle right.”