Banker retires and becomes an even bigger tw*t, say his “friends”

Not knowing what to do with his career, Nigel Showburn followed the money and soon found that his skills for numbers and lack of emotional intelligence were a perfect match for investment banking.

His friends quickly chalked him up as a complete w**ker when all he could talk about was how hard he was working and how much everything cost. “everyone stopped asking him about work because it was always the same bullsh*t about how insanely hard he was working and that we wouldn’t understand.” explains Tim Rutherford a physio and friend of Nigel’s. “he became unbearable, shouting everything and basically talking over you whenever he did grace you with his presence”.

“Since he has retired,” continues Jane Cambreen, a former girlfriend, “(the tw*t’s only 31!), his obnoxiousness levels have gone through the roof. He explains how everything you and I take for granted, have known for years already and understood the moment we saw it is suddenly the most amazing thing on the planet. He makes out as if no-one knew and that he has discovered it on behalf of humanity and that we should be grateful of something. Last week he spent an hour and a half talking to me about how amazing water was and that tea from a pot was much better than from a bag in a cup. Then he took 30 minutes to describe his breakfast routine and how he makes his own muesli. The guy is next level toss-pot.”

Nigel is apparently going to become a teacher to “give something back” and is already telling all the teachers he knows how they’ve been doing it wrong.

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