Starbucks boss gives up trying to make a decent cup-a-joe after 36 years

“Pfleugh!” Another person recoils and hangs their tongue out in an attempt to cleanse it. They have just taken a sip from a coffee cup and the jolt of bitter, burning rubber like taste was enough to set a tight jaw and keep one eye half closed for the rest of the day. “It’s like drinking your way through a f**king snowman poo!”

“It’s been 36 years, and I still haven’t cracked it.”, said the retiring executive. “I’m not sure I will ever get there.”

When asked about his success, he puts it down to two things: an ability to put patterns in the top of the drink to provide the illusion of quality; and the use of Derren Brown, the famous mentalist, to hypnotise the entire developed world.

“For a lot of my early career, I would take an order, nip out the back to the Italian sandwich shop and buy the coffee from there before sneaking it back into our shop and decanting it into one of our cups. I had to froth it up so it would look like a full cup. That’s basically why I had to charge so much.”

He got busted one morning, when the Italian had closed due to an incident involving a leg of lamb. “I panicked and tried to find another coffee shop, but the only ones I could find were the other 5 Starbucks on our block. I had no choice but to make my own coffee. That’s when people started asking for all those flavoured syrups – problem solved.”