TSB admits relying on “a wing and a prayer” was probably to blame

As the layers of egg build up on the senior executives faces, TSB have now accepted that hope alone was never going to result in happy customers.

With many of the executives signing off that they were “devout believers”, the move to push the button was made before quite literally, “all hell broke loose”.

“Oh my f**king god! I appear to have £139,890.26 in my account which I never new I had. AND I am now called Mrs Jacqueline Earthwright.” exclaimed David Bennett from Ealing.

Regulators are looking in to why the tried and tested “AWAP” approach didn’t work on this occasion. “Banks have been doing this for years so we know it works. I suspect we will never know the real reasons for now we are going to insist that these types of change will be carried out using the less effective, but safer approach of running the bank from a Fisher Price play bank at the local kindergarten.”

“Darling, what have you done with our pension?” asked one Mrs J Earthwright.

TSB say they have already commented on the situation, but are uncertain as to which customer those comments were sent to. Meanwhile, anyone wanting some fast cash is advised to show up at any TSB branch, tell them you were shafted, and that you need 20 grand in unmarked 20s. They will be more than happy to oblige.